Current inhabitants
Zookeeper: Me!
Primates: Primate #1: husband Brad
(Notice Primate #1's striking resemblance to his ancestors)
Primate #2: son Jakob
(Not fully domesticated yet)
Primate #3: daughter Jules
(There's always 1 that has that crazy look in their eyes!)
Canine: Rudy the Underdog
Feline: Tiger the cat God
Reptiles: Red and Blue, red-eared sliders (that would be turtles)
Birds: Peeps and T.P., mallards
Quite a few years ago when I was 8 months pregnant with my
second child (primate #3), I woke up to my 5 year old son Jakob (primate #2),
screaming like PBS had just canceled Barney & Friends. Dressed like most
pregnant women in their third trimester with only my husband’s T-shirt on, I
instantly came out of a deep slumber that might have been the only good night’s
rest I had in months. Expecting to see a band of robbers carrying away my good
silver, (OK let’s be honest I don’t own any good silver)
….anywho
….To my horror and amusement, our year old golden retriever that epitomizes
the phrase “underdog”, was wailing like a chimp on steroids! Primate #2 was
also wailing, (no one in our zoo cries alone!)
………..Now you must understand, #1: I am catatonic before 8am,
#2: I am comatose when pregnant before 8am, #3: when you’ve been rearing
primates for a couple years, your instinct tells you when to panic and when to
relax….I PANICKED!!!!
Rudy, (the canine) while foraging for food, stumbled on a
creature from the sea “out of water” so to speak. Curious about the mysterious
shelled morsel, he did what any carnivorous animal would do and tried to eat
Jaws!
….Yes I said Jaws
The mammoth (by hermit crab standards) sidewinder had made
a clever escape from his enclosure and was making his best attempt at not becoming
doggy dung! .My hormonally impaired brain could not wrap itself around the
situation quickly enough. My spherically compromised body was not combat ready.
At this point I would have said Que Sera Sera, Jaws had a good run at life and
this is his end. As for the inexperienced canine, he will just have to grin and
bear the exit….hope it was better going in!
….Now comes the maternal need to calm primate #2’s emotional
stress.
Distraught and frantic; primate #2 was desperately clinging
to the zookeeper (me), begging me to save his unlikely friend, Jaws. You can
imagine that the canine terrified and in pain was not calmly waiting for the
zookeeper to rescue him. Rudy was doing what any four-legged beast would do in
this predicament…he went nuts!!! As if he were on fire, that dog rolled,
scooted, and even resorted to banging his noggin on the wall! To no avail!
…..This is the moment
I became a zookeeper…; master of animal antics, a rescuer of God’s helpless and
simple creatures.
I jumped on his back, straddled the canine and held on for
my 8 second rodeo ride. Once I had a handle on the beast, I reached my delicate
(OK, freakishly manly) hand in his slobbery gullet and grabbed hold of Jaws,
whose claw was gripping the back of Rudy’s throat in his last ditch effort. At
that point I thought woman was mightier than the beast, so I pulled Jaws back
from his grim fate.
Wet, slimy, and perhaps relieved; that crab was still alive!
The canine however, began heaving and choking, spewing blood tinged saliva all
over my then, nice woven rug.
…..What should the zookeeper do???
Call reinforcement! Vet and friend was kind enough to answer
my early morning call and agreed to meet the zookeeper, canine, crustacean, and
primate #2 at his office to access the situation. Still in my husband’s T-shirt
(primate #1), my motley crew sat and nervously awaited to hear the fate of the canine
and the crustacean.
With a look of dismay and humor, vet and friend assured with
a little laser work Rudy would survive his ordeal. Jaws unfortunately, would
not be so lucky. He had suffered suffocation, crushing force, and shock;
therefore only had a few remaining hours.
Head hung low, Jakob (primate #2), cradled his odd little
crab and accepted the dark reality that in fact just because he was branded
with a name of deadly proportions, he ultimately would become part of the
animal kingdom food chain!
Welcome all keepers and trappers!
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