Duck, Duck, Goose...

Now we have already established that the Hawthorne Street Watering Hole is home to many of God's creatures, including the newest additions Peeps and T.P. (the mallard ducks).

Shift direction....I must admit that like so many, I have been sucked into reality tv. As of late, the zoo seems to be very fond of the show "Duck Dynasty".

...now for those of you that are not familiar with this fantastic family that live in the holler of Luziana; you are doing yourself a great injustice!

anywho....

We, (the primates, and myself the zookeeper), faithfully watch this befuddling brood of bearded men. They are brilliant inventors of mischief. They also answer to a higher calling that to duck hunt is to be in harmony with nature.

Myself, Primate #1 and Primate #2 understand this circle of life, however Primate #3 has taken a firm stance on the issue. The zookeeper and Primate #1 believe it is important for our young tree swinger to etch out her own beliefs and personal convictions, however it has posed a dilema. Jules (Primate #3) is demanding that our favorite show be banned from family tv night!

I am now a criminal in my own zoo! Sneaking around trying to catch a back episode; afraid that Jules will expose my weakness for reality tv. What's a mother to do????

Now is probably not a good time to tell her that we plan on having Peking Duck for Christmas dinner this year!!!! Haha

Do You Do Doo, Like I Do Doo part 2

Do You Do Doo, Like I Do Doo: Part 2

After regaling the story of the persnickety pooper, it got the zookeeper thinking about how the zoo inhabitants sometimes subject one another (and the zookeeper) to their quirks.

Primate #3 has successfully graduated to a proper functioning and healthy member of the zoo. With that being said it has been dually noted that Jules (Primate #3), has taken up a rather disturbing, yet comical habit….

….The zookeeper has observed that some members of the Hawthorne Street Watering Hole are not quite up to Primate #3’s (or the zookeeper’s) standards of hygiene. Particularly the feline (also known as Tiger the Cat God), has been dropping the ball or shall we say the load!

Anyone that knows the zookeeper might say that she is not the biggest fan of cats. The feline is what the zookeeper likes to call the anarchist of the zoo. He does not follow order, nor does he seem to care that he frequently upsets the delicate balance of the Hawthorne Street Watering Hole.

Primate #3 (Jules), perhaps because of her own struggles to conform, has made it her mission to see that the Feline “colors in the lines”….

….The Feline (Tiger the Cat God), believes he is above cleaning his region from where the poo comes. Maybe he is in a hurry? Maybe he has irritable bowels? Or maybe he believes that because he is the Cat God, someone should take care of this for him? Whatever his reasoning, the Feline often times emerges from the litter box with dingle berries hanging from his arss!!

Primate #3 has deemed this most unacceptable and made it her personal mission to see to it that the feline’s hairy hiny is up to zoo standards….

Are any of you fellow zookeepers wondering how Primate #3 achieves this???

Yes my friends, she has taken to wiping the feline’s arss with baby wipes! Now while the zookeeper applauds her detail to personal hygiene; I cannot help but feel bad for the Feline as he is now paranoid to be seen coming out of the litter box, for fear that Primate #3 will be waiting wipe in hand.

As the zookeeper often does, I have consulted with my friend the friendly vet, and he has assured me that this will not harm the feline physically, although his ego may be taking a hit.

In conclusion, the zoo voted to switch to the sensitive brand wipes to help the feline’s hairy hiny from becoming irritated and the zookeeper has been giving him a little extra ego stroking! (pun intended)

Do You Do Doo Like I Do Doo???

There are certain things that a zookeeper can count on the primates learning. Bits and pieces of retained knowledge that lets us zookeepers know that all our attempts at domestication are not futile. For instance, the tag always goes in the back, or we share toys but not toothbrushes, and don’t eat the yellow snow!

Sometimes there are triumphs that are hard earned at the Hawthorne Street Watering Hole….

….Primate #3 was not the easiest one to teach proper potty hygiene to. This fact came to a surprise to me (the zookeeper), due to the fact that the other primates were fairly easy to teach these simple, but crucial habits to. After great feats and many obstacles, even Primate #1 learned how to put the toilet seat down….the zookeeper sees this particular battle as a testimony to her superior management skills!

So when Jules (Primate #3) seemed to protest any and all conformities to what is considered a social norm as far as bathroom habits; the zookeeper resorted to creative and unorthodox methods.

  Primate #3 had unusual and some might even say inappropriate ways of achieving the poo-poo. For example, in the house of the Hawthorne Street Watering Hole, it was often said that Primate #3 poohed like a man gripping the table during a prostate exam.  Squeezing her cheeks so tight that we expected diamonds to erupt from her nether region! No matter our many fruitless attempts, Primate #3 simply did not understand that to achieve the almighty poo, one must push out not pull in.

The zookeeper and Primate #1 spent many hours mauling over this dilemma. Primate #3 was a bit small to use the conventional potty (this method was attempted unsuccessfully, but that is another story), however refused to use the potty chair thanks to Primate #2 telling her that all the habitants of the Hawthorne Street Watering Hole used the potty chair.…

…Somehow the thought of sharing her potty chair with the canine and feline was more terrifying then poo mashed to her dupa.  

The zookeeper is not hardcore when it comes to toddler milestones, the primates will learn these important daily essentials in due time. However, Primate #3 seemed to understand that she was doing something not quite right, as she began to shy away from zoo visitors and downright refused to poo when outside of the Hawthorne Street Watering Hole.

 I (the zookeeper) resorted to shameful methods in order to fix this problem!

After much intense work and a bit of therapy (for the zookeeper, not Primate #3), I learned that I had to do what I never am able to do easily, relinquish control of the situation and allow Primate #3 to figure it out on her own.

Many of you zookeepers may be wondering ultimately what happened to make her finally release her inner demons???....

….WIPES!!! Oh yes my fellows zookeepers, apparently Primate #3 was cognoscent enough to know that toilet paper was not the best method of removing poo from your dupa, but not so much that she didn’t mind going in her diaper as long as someone was using a wipe to clean up the doody!

Sooooo…..you can bet a bushel’o bambinos that the Hawthorne Street Watering Hole never runs out of wipes!  

When running a zoo, I think I sometimes fail to remember during all the chaos that I am in fact dealing with a species of superior intelligence and they can often workout their own corks….It would’ve been nice to have had this foresight before I let Primate #3 poo in the bathtub!

monkey see, monkey do..

There are times when I (the zookeeper), have questioned the intellectual hierarchy of the zoo inhabitants.

For instance, the primates can never seem to remember to replace the toilet paper roll....but the canine understands that the zookeeper likes nothing more that a clean hiney because he's always licking his and everyone else's.

No matter how many heartfelt attempts the zookeeper makes, she always feels like she's backpedaling.

That was until recently....

.....While playing a simple game of shopkeeper with Primate #2 (Jules) and our friendly neighbor, who is called orangutan do to his skillful playground antics, the zookeeper was quite delighted with her observations.

The game went as follows:

The zookeeper was the cashier/shopkeeper
Primate #2: casual shopper
Orangutan: shoplifter, (just wait it gets better)

While checking out Primate #2; she kindly paid her bill with a billionaire-schmillionaire credit card; she leaned forward and whispered to the zookeeper that she noticed "somethin supishist". She discreetly pointed in the direction of the orangutan.

The orangutan promptly informed the shopkeeper and the casual shopper that he had every intention of paying for his purchase, however he left his wallet at the bank while cashing his million dollar paycheck. The so-called shoplifter "made his display" and exited the shop. He returned moments later with his wallet and handed the shopkeeper a "million dollar bill" and told her to keep the change for the hunger children of the world.

Having witnessed this generosity, Primate #2 pulled a "million dollar bill" from her purse and said she would also like to help the hunger children.

There are rarely times that the zookeeper is surprised.

.....With great pride in the lesser primates, the zookeeper also "made her display of pride", and told them that this day the lesser primates were far superior to the majority of the primates she has encountered!!

Bank your Bones...

I have come to accept that I (the zookeeper), am responsible for the handling of all zoo life.

No matter how many attempts I've made at trying to train primates #1, 2, and 3, I need to accept that the animals of the Hawthorne Street Watering Hole are always unpredictable!

One day I decided to take Rudy the Underdog (the canine), to run errands. There is nothing the canine enjoys more than a jeep ride. Riding on the edge of danger, paws on the spare, gripping at every turn, and tongue flapping in the wind...Ah yes, in his limited worldly view it doesn't get any better than this!

Not giving much thought to my morning tasks; I took the canine to the bank. No difficult feat right???

WRONG!!!!!

The zookeeper had forgotten that Rudy the Underdog had visited the bank once before. During that routine bank visit the kind bank teller gave the canine a dog bone. I once heard that elephants remember everything; I will "one-up" that and say that canines remember only one thing....

....who has the treats!

As I (the zookeeper), pulled into the drive-thru line, top off (the jeep, not the zookeeper), the canine lunged into the zookeeper's lap. If he had shoved his snout any further into the carrier tube the kind bank teller would've had slobber on her hands.

Unprepared for this situation, I did not have a firm grip on the carrier, my deposit, or the canine....The first 2 spilled out of the zookeeper's grasp; under the jeep. Of course I sheepishly jumped out making my apologies to the long line behind me, on all fours under the jeep.

....You would think that being the superior species at the Watering Hole that the zookeeper would not be on all fours more than the zoo inhabitants, however this is never the case!

Too worried about retrieving my stray objects, I failed to noticed that the canine had also jumped out and did what only an animal that is expecting a treat would do.....Interrogated all vehicles convinced that someone was holding out on his prize.

After about 10 minutes (OK probably only 2 minutes), The zookeeper managed to contain the canine and drive away with my tail between my legs...Yes I realize the irony here!

There is a lesson to be learned here....I just haven't figured it out yet!



Mmmmm, crabcakes...

Some of you may find this in bad taste, but I assure you Jaws was not on the menu.

Crabcakes with Remoulade, Mmmmmm……

This is a great little cake packed with fresh flavor. They’re good enough to eat a couple or a dozen for dinner and they’re a crowd pleasing appetizer, especially with the remoulade. It’s ok to say remoulade to your female guest, but just tell the guys mayo with a kick!

Remoulade

Ingredients:
1/2 C mayo
2 TBS of ketchup
1 TBS of sweet relish
1 tsp lemon zest
1 tsp of hot sauce
Dash of Salt and pepper

Combine all ingredients in a small bowl, cover, and chill to allow flavors to marry, ( Awww, they’re gonna get marry!)

Onward!!!!

You will need the following ingredients for these lovelies!

1 rib of celery, finely chopped

2 ribs of green onion, finely chopped

1lb. lump crab meat, (you can find this at your local market in the seafood section. Often times they will have it fresh behind the counter, however the crab in a can is quite good too!) DO NOT USE imitation crabmeat; it will not stand up to cooking process.

….ok now that we have that out of the way, it is the namesake ingredient after all.

¼ C of real mayo, ( I’m not sayin you have to whip it up yourself, just make sure you use mayo, NOT salad dressing, there’s a difference)
Juice of half a lemon
1 TBS of Dijon mustard
1 tsp of worchestershire sauce
1 beaten egg
¼ C plus 3 TBS of panko bread crumbs, (Japanese bread crumbs, lighter and crispier)
Salt and pepper, generously sprinkled
¼ C olive oil for frying, plus 2 TBS of butter for more flavor.

Make sure there are no stray bones in the crabmeat, (you don’t want Aunt Phyllis choking on a bone). In a large mixing bowl, combine crabmeat, celery, green onion, 3 TBS bread crumbs and lemon juice. Next combine the mustard, mayo, worchestershire (I love trying to say that word), and the egg.  I mix these ingredients separately because I like the crabmeat to stay chunky, if you like it broken down a little more you can toss this all together. Add mayo mixture to crab mixture, lightly combine. Dash with your salt and peppermill.  Then put your remaining bread crumbs on a dinner plate, form the crab mixture into 2 inch round patties. Lightly coat the patties in the bread crumb, (easy now!...just a dusting)

Now this is very important!! Put your formed patties on a lined cookie sheet and refrigerate them for 30 min so they firm up.

….Pour yourself a glass of pinot grigio and check on the zoo.

Heat you oil and butter in a large pan on medium-high heat. Make sure your pan is nice and toasty! Fry your crabcakes for about 2-3 min on each side or until you have a nice golden crust. Put the fried crabcakes on a papertowel lined platter to soak up excess oil.

You can serve these warm or they‘re even good room temperature. If you are entertaining you can make these a day ahead and refrigerate and fry them just before your guest arrive.  

Now that’s the way to eat crab!!!!

Dealiest Catch....

The Hawthorne Street Zoo Debut!!!!

Current inhabitants

Zookeeper: Me!

Primates: Primate #1: husband Brad

(Notice Primate #1's striking resemblance to his ancestors)

Primate #2: son Jakob

(Not fully domesticated yet)

Primate #3: daughter Jules

(There's always 1 that has that crazy look in their eyes!)

Canine: Rudy the Underdog

Feline: Tiger the cat God

Reptiles: Red and Blue, red-eared sliders (that would be turtles)

Birds: Peeps and T.P., mallards

Quite a few years ago when I was 8 months pregnant with my second child (primate #3), I woke up to my 5 year old son Jakob (primate #2), screaming like PBS had just canceled Barney & Friends. Dressed like most pregnant women in their third trimester with only my husband’s T-shirt on, I instantly came out of a deep slumber that might have been the only good night’s rest I had in months. Expecting to see a band of robbers carrying away my good silver, (OK let’s be honest I don’t own any good silver)

….anywho

….To my horror and amusement, our year old golden retriever that epitomizes the phrase “underdog”, was wailing like a chimp on steroids! Primate #2 was also wailing, (no one in our zoo cries alone!)

………..Now you must understand, #1: I am catatonic before 8am, #2: I am comatose when pregnant before 8am, #3: when you’ve been rearing primates for a couple years, your instinct tells you when to panic and when to relax….I PANICKED!!!!

Rudy, (the canine) while foraging for food, stumbled on a creature from the sea “out of water” so to speak. Curious about the mysterious shelled morsel, he did what any carnivorous animal would do and tried to eat Jaws!

….Yes I said Jaws

The mammoth (by hermit crab standards) sidewinder had made a clever escape from his enclosure and was making his best attempt at not becoming doggy dung! .My hormonally impaired brain could not wrap itself around the situation quickly enough. My spherically compromised body was not combat ready. At this point I would have said Que Sera Sera, Jaws had a good run at life and this is his end. As for the inexperienced canine, he will just have to grin and bear the exit….hope it was better going in!

….Now comes the maternal need to calm primate #2’s emotional stress.

Distraught and frantic; primate #2 was desperately clinging to the zookeeper (me), begging me to save his unlikely friend, Jaws. You can imagine that the canine terrified and in pain was not calmly waiting for the zookeeper to rescue him. Rudy was doing what any four-legged beast would do in this predicament…he went nuts!!! As if he were on fire, that dog rolled, scooted, and even resorted to banging his noggin on the wall! To no avail!

 …..This is the moment I became a zookeeper…; master of animal antics, a rescuer of God’s helpless and simple creatures.

I jumped on his back, straddled the canine and held on for my 8 second rodeo ride. Once I had a handle on the beast, I reached my delicate (OK, freakishly manly) hand in his slobbery gullet and grabbed hold of Jaws, whose claw was gripping the back of Rudy’s throat in his last ditch effort. At that point I thought woman was mightier than the beast, so I pulled Jaws back from his grim fate.

Wet, slimy, and perhaps relieved; that crab was still alive! The canine however, began heaving and choking, spewing blood tinged saliva all over my then, nice woven rug.

…..What should the zookeeper do???

Call reinforcement! Vet and friend was kind enough to answer my early morning call and agreed to meet the zookeeper, canine, crustacean, and primate #2 at his office to access the situation. Still in my husband’s T-shirt (primate #1), my motley crew sat and nervously awaited to hear the fate of the canine and the crustacean.

With a look of dismay and humor, vet and friend assured with a little laser work Rudy would survive his ordeal. Jaws unfortunately, would not be so lucky. He had suffered suffocation, crushing force, and shock; therefore only had a few remaining hours.

Head hung low, Jakob (primate #2), cradled his odd little crab and accepted the dark reality that in fact just because he was branded with a name of deadly proportions, he ultimately would become part of the animal kingdom food chain!

Welcome all keepers and trappers!